Friday, August 24, 2012

38 years and 41 days later (5 Syawal 1433)

I am 38 years and 41 days today, and until this second, I have yet thanked anyone for their kind gesture of showering me with their birthday wishes.  It’s a lie if I blamed it on time, for I had the leisure of time to scan through all the wishes in my phone and on FB.  I just didn’t make any effort – this is the absolute truth, and incomprehensively, the simplicity of this fact hurts my ego most, above all.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 

I heard once that this ‘mid-life crisis’ doesn’t only happen when one is mid-way through their life-span.  In fact, it’s a wonder why 40 is chosen as the middle point, and it’s been exactly that for as long as I could remember; amidst science having reviewed and reduced our life-expectancy every now and then - it’s definitely not 80 anymore (40 x 2 =80, placing 40 as mid-life).  Perhaps I must have missed something – could there be a non-mathematical projection on how we use the adage ‘Life begins at 40’; ie. that it originates from a more social scientific point of view instead.  Note to self : “Read up on ‘Life begins at 40’”.

I think I am experiencing crisis – no, correction : I KNOW I am starring crisis right in the face.    And as mentioned above, it doesn’t hit us at that just one mid-point, but this uncomfortable combat with oneself will revisit us as we approach the end of every decade of our lives.  40 marks the peak of maturity, a point where the many years of life seems to hold density – an intertwine of life’s countless episodes – an ingredient which could fairly cause the extent of crisis to pick up mass.  It is potentially the most historical moment of one’s life – both good and bad – witnessing our bravest next step, if not our most uncalculated risk.  It is the busiest crossroad, yet.  And women seem to arrive at this destination way earlier than men, by 2 to 5 years.  Hence, I guess, the phrase ‘Been there, done that’ was created originally for the female gender. ;)

Now, let’s focus on my crisis.  The recent holy month of Ramadhan has helped me shape my thoughts.  I found myself constantly starring into space, often entertaining questions which I try to answer, but only managing it half way, before finding myself being tossed at yet another set of self-inquiries.  I found myself deluged by half-answers by the end of Ramadhan, and instead of feeling tranquil as what the month promises, I felt a desperate need to escape from my own self.  At one point, instead of gently running water on myself during ablution (wudu’), I found myself scouring hard at my face and hand, as if trying to skin my woes so that the running water would take it away.  That incident was the moment of calling – it is time for me to admit that I needed therapy – it is time to fine-tune my sincerity faculty.  I mustn’t continue to pretend that my time submitting to HIM is pure – it has been stained by so much impurities of which purification has long been delayed.  I have forgotten that time waits for no man.  Who am I to be playing dice.  Astaghfirullahal’azim...

  I’m sorry,
  Truly am, sincerely,
  For not thanking your well wishes, on that day when I turned 38,
  I shall make it up to you....every single one of you.

Picking myself up is a constant battle.  Istiqamah is still at duel with my demons on a daily basis.  I shall win this war.  You just wait.  My conscience will defend me.
Time AWAY from time....

I have so many conversations going on in my head.  Time to make it known...  Time to write. 

The faster we move, the slower time passes.  Some physics law.  QUES: What if the only thing that moves, is the endless string of thoughts in our head, and that the rest of our body seems to be frozen?

Time for a chill pill.... ;)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I can never sell anything.... grrrrr...

As-salam and Hello!

Intention : To make extra money

Action : Sell goods

Skill : Have a good eye for nice things

Plan : To sell at an affordable price so able to form solid, loyal clients

Problem : Things that are nice cost a bomb!

More Problems : Mind says one thing (eg. Price = RM20), mounth says ANOTHER thing (eg. "RM15 je....")

Post Mortem : Need to give self a good kick in the butt!!!!!

Corrective Measures :
1. Detach link between mind and mouth when selling.
2. Just continue being a buyer / consumer - wasting / spending money this way is far more productive!!!

Note to self : Try online business.....where mind-mouth links are at the minimal....

VISIT MY STORE FOLKS!  On Facebook : Katarsis Maria   :)

13 Years Together

As-salam and Hello!

This entry is FIVE DAYS LATE! Last Wednesday, 5 April 2012, I wrote:

It's been 13 years since I got married to the love of my life and be it rain or shine - it's just been AWESOME!  Today, after all these years, I am truly happy that I am married to a person who allows me to grow- who highlights my mistakes and turns them into opportunities to reinforce a better person within me.  I pray that he'll be my definite companion in Jannah, Amin....... 
I meant to blog yesterday, the day of my 13th anniversary, but that didn't prevail and I have to say that I have very blurry memory of what happened yesterday (please do not wonder inexcessively!).  I cooked dinner (it's been ages since I did!) - sambal sotong, udang and kentang goreng kunyit, bayam rebus.....oooolala! - we ate, we watched '30 minit bersama Ustaz Don', then all I could remember is snoozing the alarm clock silent at 6am, 5 April.  I told my hubby that I was convinced that I had unintentionally drugged the whole family!
I remember the day i picked up my baju nikah and the chinese tailor took a look at the calender to see if she was free to attend my wedding.  She said, "Owh! Dalam kalender Cina, hari you mau kahwin ialah "Ee-Yat-Fatt" - 2-1-8.  Meaning aaa....selalu ada duit".  Hah! The sound of 'money', even if only just uttered, it calms the mind.  But, soon after, I was taken aback for I was worried that I had placed trust on a set of numbers, in light of my marital state, Astaghfirullah.....  May ALLAH forgive me.  At present, after all these years, I have come to a point in my life that I submit totally to the notion that trusting ALLAH is the only right thing to do.  ALLAH WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU.  The last 5 years of my life, I may have uttered this many times but comparatively, now, more than ever - I breathe it. 

And this, the state of mind in HIS presence, is the ONLY calming state of mind.  Ee-Yatt-Fatt is officially the blurry past. 

Monday, April 2, 2012

My OWN Store!

As-salam and Hello!!!

Today is my eldest son's birthday - he's 12.  Scheduled to sit for his first major exam in September.  Life has placed him as the center of the universe lately - driving him to and fro to attend tuition, cancellations of weekend getaways and outings to make room for his extra classes, endless trips to the book store to get him more exercise books - my, it's been a drill.  May ALLAH bless him for his perseverence for being patient with his parents' short term memory loss ("....HAH???!!!!  You have tuition today????  Another 5 minutes and you only thought of reminding me now???!!!....") and parents' ill-mannerisms ("......Abang....Mama tak larat.....cancel je la pegi tuition hari ni.....").  Sometimes I do wonder, who is the more stable one in our household..... :S

And to top it off ('it' refers to 'the constant state of panic at home'), his mum decides to open an online shop on his birthday.  Yes, his mum - ME!

Please do visit my store!  look up 'nice-cessity.blogspot'  (I am beginning to sound desperate, hence I will stop now).

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Man, Woman and Hobby

As-Salam and Hello....

Many a time, I’ve considered myself lucky for being married to a man who respects my views and accommodates my whims and fancies.  Rarely would he question my requests and would allow me to do most of whatever before I even finish explaining myself.  I wouldn’t have the slightest worry whenever I leave home on work trips and college outings which sometimes last for days.  My husband, I would describe to all, is a very supportive person.  He is, indeed.

Then, he picked up a hobby.  Or in actual fact, decided to focus on his hobby which had been sitting on the shelves, collecting dust.  24/7.  365.  366 on a leap year.  The hobby owned him.  What made his hobby more demanding than what was necessary, is that darling husband began a forum to take his hobby to a more intellectually engaging level.  24/7 was for hobby.  365 was for hobby.  366 was for hobby, on a leap year.  The children and I found even greater freedom.  At some points, gifts and money would instead replace the time he should have spent with us.  Sooner, rather than later, freedom suffocated me and the shower of gifts didn’t excite me – the children however, enjoyed every piece of freedom n gifts to bits, comparatively.  I suddenly felt distant.  I suddenly became 2nd fiddle.  I suddenly hated that very person who created hobbies in the first place. 

I suddenly realized how it may have felt to be in his shoes whenever I happily went off on work trips and college outings.  I suddenly felt ALONE.

Due time, I gathered enough courage to let my feelings be known and we sorted things out.  Now, he’d follow me on my trips and outings and Mr. Hobby was allowed to tag along because Mr Hobby is a universal hobby and the opportunity to activate Mr Hobby is limitless (I bet you, that you are taking wild guesses of the hobby by now!).  And in return, the kids will follow him when he’s out hobbying so that family time is observed.  I’d be at home, catching up with TV and books.  Never lonely again.

The incident made me realized about the value of communication.  I am one to be having conversations in my head and believe you me, the ideas would often go downhill into danger zone!  That voice in your’s devilish, it’s got horns!  We must gather much courage to verbalize these internal conversation because it could very well eat us up, and end we’d up as sceptics (Malays call it ‘syakwasangka’) that can be indeed cancerous.  Before you’d know it, you are the one with the horns.....  Let it out.  Discuss matters openly.  It won’t be easy, but it’s crucial.  Along the way, we’ll discover our limitations and we provide ourselves to the opportunity to further mature.

If you are married, be very alert whenever you feel alone, even when distance does not separate you.  Face your fears of worrying that communication could go the wrong way; it’s way better to manage damage control when it’s still controllable.  It’s a foot in the right direction, InsyALLAH..... Wallahua’alam.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

As much as we hate to be angry, losing our cool seems to be extremely instantaneous

As-salam and Hello!

This is my 1st entry.  Been playing many broken records in my head - ideas, stories, reflection - and my 'folders' are bursting by the seams, so I am in dire need of finding a spot to store my thoughts; in hopes to further incubate them, shape them and toss them about so that readers can ponder and respond to them.  I wish to grow, here.

What a title to kick off and send the ball rolling!  ANGER.  I have been interacting with myself about anger, convinced that I have finally arrived at the age of which enables me to LAUGH at the face of anger, instead of allowing it to swallow me.  I am in the process of smashing to smithereens the devil's cauldron.  I have a feeling, it won't take me over-night. 

I am married, have two beautiful children and work 8-5 - in other words, that spells out 'I am an angry working mum/wife'.  I hate who I have become.  It has to stop.  There is a stop to this and it can only happen if I really want it to.  Therefore, I must persevere with this intent, remain with this NIAT.

Hence, this blog is entitled "Remain In Saff".  To place my foot firmly, where it is meant to be, in line with my convictions.  'Dalam SAFF', as how us Malays would describe it - when we stand beside one another when we pray - In ('dalam') Saff.  In line.  In track.  In proportion.  In devotion.  In ONE-NESS.  In happiness.  In addition to that, in Malay, there is a word 'insaf' which means 'realization'; conceptually meaning "a state of when an entity affects us positively", "enlightment".  And having philosophized all these fragments, I am moved to externalize the essence.  I wish to REMAIN IN SAFF.....  Amin....  And this blog, is an avenue to enable knowledge sharing; a cable for those who are more knowledgeable to harness me into a constructive current, insyALLAH.

Anger, I WILL conquer you.  Today, I giggled at you.  I was at a surau, in a nearby mall.  Went all the way to buy my favourite ice-cream : mint n chocolate, yumms!!  As I finished my du-ah (need to work on a longer, more heart-jabbing one), an elderly passed by me and started arranging 3 prayer mats in front of me.  My thoughts said, "What a nice lady, preparing the mats for her friends/children.  This is an example of an 'investment'....".  Then I turned around, and to my dismay, appalled at the sight of the disarrayed mats of where the lady pulled out the mats (that she arranged earlier on) from.  MasyALLAH....(anger seeps in....cue, anger!).  Short-lived was my realization ('keinsafan').  I was disheartened, with the lady, then much later realized - I was upset with myself; for not being able to be more forgiving.  More readily forgiving.  More understanding.  Anger.  U ALMOST consumed me in whole!  I then sat down, folded the mats, arranged them nicely - as an act of redemption.  It's ok.  The lady may have legit reasons why.